#emo

It has been 3 years+ since the incident and somehow I am still unable to have closure with myself. 

I have never dare to write anything about it on public platforms, for fear of putting myself in a vulnerable position. I've decided to do it today, because maybe writing it out all, will help me, even if it is just to make me feel slightly better. 

I know I'm not supposed to snoop. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wished to know how you have been doing. I'm really confused, its mixed feelings. I wished that you would be doing well, doing good, but when I see you doing well, I get angry because I feel that you don't deserve it. You don't deserve it, because you have built your happiness on the expense of the hurt, disappointment, sadness that you have caused in me. I know there's no right or wrong in a relationship, but...... you've promised me so much. We have gone through so much... and yet, it was so easy for you to get over me. 

And then, I see her. It was supposed to be me. I see how much joy is brimming from her eyes. And I understood that. Understood how much happiness you have brought her, because that was just how much happiness you have brought me too. I'm envious that the hand she's holding on to belongs to you. And that she has you, to spend her future with. That was my dream, all that my life revolved around for the past 11 years we were together. The dream that we talked about together so many countless times. And yet again, it was so easy for you to give me up. 

I still remembered, what you told me when you had decided to end the relationship; that you were not ready to get married. But now, I see you preparing and so looking forward to the big day. And it dawned on me, that it was not because you were not ready to get married, but you did not want to get married to me. What did I do wrong? What did I not do enough? I have never thought of a life without you, and it was really hard for me to accept the end of the relationship and move on. 

I am still angry at you, for causing so much hurt in me. Angry at you that it was so easy for you to abandon me. I probably will never forgive you again. Yet, I still care about you, and would occasionally think about you. 

Letting you go hasn't been easy. And it is probably one of the most difficult tasks I am forced to undertake in my life. Till today, there's still so much emotions I'm feeling; anger, hate, sadness, disappointment, desire, guilt, confusion and so much more....

With each passing day I am further away from you, further away from the memories that we shared together. And it pained me, to know that, I probably am the only one thinking about all these. 

It's funny how things have become like that. We used to be the best buds, soulmates who talked about everything under the sun. And you were probably the only one who understood me inside out, and vice versa.  

And now, we are nothing, but strangers.